Why Wesley Matthews won’t matter

Would you move to Portland for $1.29 million a day for a week? I know Wesley Matthews would. In fact, when Portland offered Matthews a five-year, $34 million contract, the team reportedly offered more than $9 million during the first week of the contract.
The ploy was to lessen the likelihood that the Jazz would match the Blazers toxic deal. Last year, Matthews made the league minimum $457,588. He will make twenty times that in his first week with the Blazers.
But now that the Jazz have declined to match the offer, the question becomes is Matthews worth it? History says probably not.
In his only season in the NBA, Matthews went from a second round refugee to a started for the Jazz, averaging 9.4 points a game. In ten games of playoff action, Matthews stepped up and averaged 13.2 points a contest. Not bad numbers from a first-year player regardless of his draft position.
However, history shows that free agents do not have long or productive shelf-lives after signing with the Blazers. First, here’s a list of every Blazer all-star and how they ended up with the Blazers.

Clyde Drexler, ten selections total, eight as a Trail Blazer (1986, 1988–1994) DRAFT
Sidney Wicks, four selections total, all as a Trail Blazer (1972–1975) DRAFT
Maurice Lucas, four selections total, three as a Trail Blazer (1977–1979) ABA DISPERSAL DRAFT
Rasheed Wallace, four selections total, two as a Trail Blazer (2000–2001) TRADE
Brandon Roy, three selections, all as a Blazer (2008–2010) DRAFT DAY TRADE
Kevin Duckworth, two selections, both as a Blazer (1989, 1991) TRADE
Jim Paxson, two selections, both as a Blazer (1983–1984) DRAFT
Geoff Petrie, two selections, both as a Blazer (1971, 1974) DRAFT
Terry Porter, two selections, both as a Blazer (1991, 1993) DRAFT
Bill Walton, two selections, both as a Blazer (1977–1978) DRAFT
Lionel Hollins, one selection as a Blazer (1978) DRAFT
Cliff Robinson, one selection as a Blazer (1994) DRAFT
Kermit Washington, one selection as a Blazer (1980) TRADE

Out of the 13 Blazer all-stars, ten were acquired on draft night and three were traded for. Not one free agent signing has ever been named an all star for the Blazers. Now just because a player doesn’t make an all star game, it doesn’t make him a bust.
However, only two Blazer free agent signings have ever averaged more than ten points per game for their Portland careers. Rod Strickland had a productive five-season tenure with the Blazers averaging 16.2 PPG and 8.2 APG, while Billy Ray Bates poured in 12.3 points per game off the bench in two seasons in the early 80s.
After doing the research, I believe the three best FA signings ever by the Blazers are Strickland, Ruben Patterson, and Steve Blake. Those three are the only free agent signings to be in the top-45 in points scored in a Blazer uniform. All three played five seasons with the club and none of them have or will finish their careers as Blazers.
When it comes down to it, free agents have not been able to find success in Portland. For Matthews, matching his rookie season numbers would actually be an improvement over almost every FA ever to sign with the Blazers. However, for $34 million, he might be expected to perform a little better. Like, maybe, 11 points a game.

Another Reason LeBron Should Sign With Portland

The moment has finally arrived. After two years of speculation, anticipation, and, more than anything, hype, the world will know where LeBron James will play the next few years in a few measly hours. There will be a television special. There will be an announcement. There will be hats on a table, or logos on a dartboard, or some assortment of a bull, a fire, a boat, a colonial dutchman, and a man on a horse in order to visually aid The Decision. I have no idea which one he will choose, but I know which one he should choose, and it's none of the above.

In a last second effort to get LeBron to join the Blazers (Salary caps and complications be damned!), Portland should play up one of its most interesting industries: Strip Clubs. Union Jack's, The Viewpoint, The Landing Strip, and The Acropolis. There's a myriad (actually, closer to 50) more where that came from. Portland has more strip clubs per capita than everywhere except Springfield, OR. Luckily, Springfield does not have a professional basketball franchise.

When you combine the reasons we've already covered with this tantalizing tidbit, it becomes a no-brainer. Sure, New York and Miami have beautiful women, but are they all as scantily clad as the gals of Portland? Doubtful. Ok, maybe Miami. And Chicago? Contrary to popular belief, Joakhim Noah is a guy, so don't play that card. Cleveland? Too much family and friends around, it might get awkward were he to run into someone he knows. That's why the best locale for LeBron to announce tonight, from both a social and a basketball standpoint, would be here in Portland.

What's better than having a cold one with the guys after a long day at the arena? Following it up with nudity.